'Tis the season, again. No sooner do I vacuum the last of those pesky Christmas tree needles out of the carpet, than I find myself teetering on a stepladder in front of another tree, cursing like a devil as I risk my neck to put the angel on top. Before you know it, I'll be taking down all the bamboozles and bobwezzles, and packing them away for another year.

I shouldn't really be surprised it's coming up on Christmas already. The holiday music's been playing on some radio stations and in some stores since, like, the morning after Halloween. I've been keeping myself sane by coming up with new words to go with the old classic carols. They're based on the complaints you often hear around the OR, where at least you don't have to sweep up evergreen droppings between each case.

"Hark! the Surgeon, Harold, Screams"
(to the tune of "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing")
Hark! the surgeon, Harold, screams,
"Get me tapered Vicryl, stat!
Hurry up, this patient's bleeding!"
Ohhh crap! Where'd I put that?
Searching high and searching low,
Where the heck did it go?
Holy snowballs, there's some here …
Not so fast, it's Prolene clear.
Grabbing now the surgical glue,
Finally, this case is through.

"Deck the Walls"
(because sometimes there are just too many rules and regulations)
Deck the walls with CMS stuff,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Whatever the amount it won't be enough,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now we're wearing more apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
While room temps put us in peril,
Fa la la la la, the room's too hot.

"The Survey Song"
(a.k.a. "The Christmas Song," a.k.a. "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." Have you ever had company for the holidays?)
Going nuts, roasting under surveyors' ire,
The state's here in their combat boots.
Don't they know they're preaching to the choir,
These folks dressed up in leisure suits?
Everybody knows that facilities are not the same,
Each one's got a different plight.
When surveyors are here with eyes all aglow,
We'll find it hard to sleep tonight.

"Silent Night"
(Like that's a possibility when you're on call.)
Silent night, at home tonight,
Slippers on, left and right.
Suddenly, the phone starts to ring:
These 2 surgeons have more than 1 thing.
Sleep in heavenly peace?
They don't care in the least.

"Jingle Bells"
(The song that's even less avoidable than news and hot air about Obamacare.)
Jingle bells,
Build a rail,
Run out Washington.
Oh what fun we'll have some day
Buying insurance on eBay!
Jingle bells,
Our healthcare smells,
Our leaders laid an egg.
Oh what fun, after 3 more years,
When they repeal this powder keg.